If you’re a radio fan you might enjoy this glimpse of a new soap based on the well-known and long running radio serial. I’ve been taking a peek at the script of ‘The Archers – an everyday story of shooting folk.’
THEME TUNE: Dum de dum de dum de da, dum de dum de da da, dum de dum de dum de dum, dum de tiddley ah, dum de tiddley, dum de tiddley, dum de tiddley ah, dum de dum de dum de dum (fades…….)
Wilf Bradfield: Fancy a pint, Tom?
Tom Earnshaw: Sounds like a good idea to me.
FADE UP SOUND OF PUB INTERIOR
Wilf: A pint of bitter for me, landlord, and a pint of Old Bad Guts for Tom, OK Tom?
Landlord: I thought I’d already told you two you’re barred. So hop it.
Tom: We promise to keep our arms completely by our sides, unless we’re raising a pint to our lips. I mean, it’d look a bit silly leaving the pots on the bar and bending down to sip from them, now wouldn’t it?
Landlord: There’ll be no raising any pints from you two. Now on your way before you poke another eye out.
Wilf: But landlord, this is the only pub in Cowsdale.
Landlord: I don’t give a monkey’s bum if this is the only pub in the county as far as you two are concerned. I’ve got half a darts team with eye patches on, thanks to you two sticking your arms out.
Tom: But landlord, it’s what archers do. We were only demonstrating shooting, we didn’t mean to hurt anybody, honest.
Landlord: Maybe not, but I have young ladies in here who object to having a finger poked into their cleavage. Nearly caused a riot, that did.
SOUND OF DOOR OPENING, PUB SOUND FADES
Wilf: So what now, Tom, I’m gasping for a drink.
Tom: It looks like a pot of tea at the Pastry Pantry. And maybe a cream bun or a scone, I’m starving.
INTERIOR (clinking of pottery, general low hubbub.)
Tom: Tea for two, and two of your very best cream buns, please.
Waitress: I’m afraid I’m going to have to get the proprietor, there’s a note behind the counter that says you two are barred.
Wilf: Barred? We only want some tea and buns.
Tom: I’m starting to feel a bit like Robin Hood the outlaw, Wilf. It looks like they’re all after us.
Waitress: You’ve already knocked a tray out of my hand poking your arm out. And it took a lot of persuasion to stop Miss Jennings calling the police. She said she’d never been touched by a man until you came in here. She was really distressed. So – I think you’ll both have to leave.
EXTERIOR (Sounds of passing traffic.)
Tom: This bus shelter’s freezing, Wilf.
Wilf: We could always go down to the indoor range.
Tom: No, there’s a working party on, and remember what happened at the last one when you stuck your arm out with a claw hammer in your fist?
Wilf: I was only showing you Gerry’s front arm problem.
Tom: I know, I know, but it’s a small range. I’m surprised nobody’s lost an eye yet just putting up our bows.
SOUND OF BUS STOPPING, DOORS HISSING OPEN
Bus driver: Hey, you two. I thought I’d told you both to keep out of my bus shelter. I want passengers who can actually see to give me their fares, not half-blinded after getting a finger poked in their eye. So clear off out of it.
SOUND OF DOORS HISSING CLOSED, BUS DRIVING AWAY
Wilf: Well, there’s nothing for it. We’re just going to have to go back to my place and crack open a few beers. But Tom – don’t mention the wife’s eye patch.
FADE UP THEME TUNE: …..Dum de tiddley ah, dum de tiddley, dum de tiddley, dum de tiddley ah, dum de dum de dum de dum, dum de tiddley ah (fades.)