1. Use a long rod with a nicely curved end. It doesn’t look pretty, but it makes a good walking stick.
2. To stiffen a set of arrows, place in a tube of water, add a few Viagra tablets, and wait 10 minutes. Remove from the water, check for increased stiffness, place them back in the water or in your bow box if satisfied. Finally, drink the water, return to bed, wait 10 minutes.
3. To save yourself a few pence, use your denture cement to fletch your arrows.
4. To check your spine rating, try touching your toes from an upright position.
5. Do not trouble yourself with line-cutters. Assuming you can actually hit the target, you will no longer be able to see the lines.
6. Remember that you now have several chins to locate under. This can make a difference to your sight setting.
7. When shooting, remember to breathe correctly. In fact, just remember to breathe.
8. Remember that indoor tournaments will now be more crowded than ever due to the fact that as you stand in lane 1, your belly is in lane 2.
9. Do not worry if your target face appears to be a muddy brown. It is what happens when five colours blur and blend. It is also what happens when you drop the boss in the mud.
10. Before shooting commences, check for wind direction. Then make sure you are downwind and on the end of the line, if at all possible. This enables you to break wind in comfort. But avoid breaking wind loudly, especially when the archer next to you is at full draw. It could also be mistaken for a signal to shoot.
11. Consider using an air raid warning siren for the signal to start shooting. This will have a threefold benefit: it will be heard by all except the completely stone deaf among you, it will induce a sense of nostalgia in you – and it will give local residents time to take cover.
12. As well as making sure your arrows are initialled and numbered, make sure your name and address are sewn into your clothing. And pin your bus pass to your shirt.
13. The essence of good shooting could be described as perfect balance between two opposing forces. Remember that in your case, this means bow control versus bowel control.
Good Shooting. I said shooting.
Archery is…Yoga with menaces.
Archery is…for the highly-strung.
Archery is…a grassroots sport (think about it.)
Archery is….shafts, laughs – and plenty of gaffs.
Archery is…shooting from the lip.
Archery is…a shot in the park.
Archery is…a walk in the woods (followed by a search in the woods.)
Archery is…a (bl)aim game.
Archery is…a pursuit for an arrow-minded person.
Archery is…a chance to shoot at the boss.
An archer went to see his optician for his annual eye test. The optician leaned in to examine the back of the archer’s eye. He stood up in surprise. “What’s up?” asked the archer. The optician said he’d seen something very unusual….the back of the eye was multi-coloured. There was gold right in the centre of the retina, surrounded by a red ring, then a blue ring, black and then white round the outside. And there were three projections from the centre of the retina which looked just like tiny arrows. “Phew! That’s a relief,” said the archer. “For a moment there, I thought you were going to tell me they were all in the black.”